My Sparrow to Guide Me Home: My New Tattoo

I'm so in love with my new tattoo. I'm so happy to be done with that period of my life. i love that when I look down at my skin I don't see scars. I love that I see a beautiful piece of art work. I love that I got it with my dad. I don't have a lot of great memories with him, but this was. I'm so happy to be done with self harm after over 3 years. When you look really closely you can still see the indentations in my skin, but it's nothing compared to what used to be there and I'm so grateful for that. I'm in love with my tattoo. I'm a new person. A sparrow tattoo is associated with freedom, undying love, loyalty, sacrifice and bonding. For me the sparrow represents freedom from who I once was. September was such a dark time for me. I was yanked out of my delusions. i couldn't deal with the reality I was given and that was hard, but that was when I started to change for the better. I'm free from who I was almost a year ago. I'm learning to love myself, to have an undying love for myself and to be loyal to the promise of never taking a blade to my skin again. It's been over 4 months and I've made a promise to never do it again. And my sparrow is there to  help and guide me. I love it so much. I can't even begin to explain to you. 

Happy Little Pill Troye Sivan Lyrics!

In the crowd alone
And every second passing
Reminds me I'm not home
Bright lights and city sounds
Are ringing like a drum
Unknown
Unknown

Glazed Eyes
Empty hearts
Buying happy from shopping carts
Nothing but time to kill
Sippin love from bottles
Tight skin bodyguards 
Gucci down the boulevard
Cocaine dollar bills and

My happy  little pill
Take me away
Dry my eyes
Bring colour to my skies
My sweet little pill
Take my hunger
Light within
Numb my skin

Like a rock
I float 
Sweating conversations
Seep into my my bones
Four walls are not enough
I'll take a dip into the unknown 

Glazed Eyes
Empty hearts
Buying happy from shopping carts
Nothing but time to kill
Sippin love from bottles
Tight skin bodyguards 
Gucci down the boulevard
Cocaine dollar bills and

My happy  little pill
Take me away
Dry my eyes
Bring colour to my skies
My sweet little pill
Take my hunger
Light within
Numb my skin

Skins The Novel Summary & Review WARNING SPOILERS!!!!

So I downloaded the novel for shits & giggles last night thinking oh well I might as well since the download link popped up on my tumblr. So the novel basically follows generation 2 through out their summer before series 4. Effy & Anthea (her mummy dearest) escape the mess they created back in Bristol (shocker...), the Fitchest head off to France, the 3 musketeers stay at home & Cook & Freddie shag anything w a pulse & JJ is just JJ, Pandora struggles to tell her mom she's a woman, Thomas struggles w when he should surf & turf Panda & Naomi is struggling w having the future she wants but also staying with Emily.

wow. That isn't a good wow by the way. I was struggling to get through the book & was often tempted to just skip through a lot of it. I did enjoy some of Katie's pov though. I liked how you got to actually have an insight, but other than that, you didn't gain much from the novel & it was kind of boring. Sex crazed writer. Dear God! I felt as if I was reading a fan fiction. I understand there is a lot of sex in Skins, anyone who's seen the show knows that, but wow. Naomily's relationship seemed more based on sex than love as opposed to the show. I really disliked Freddie & Cook in the novel, (can you even call it a novel?), but I adore my little Cookie Monster in the show. Although I normally think Katie is an twat, I love how you got to see her vulnerable & weak & honest. Ugh Anthea is selfish. I love Flo. She's probably my favorite character. Skins stop killing my favorite fucking characters! You fuckers! spoiler alert is in the title, don't hate me. 

Okay so I'm going to kind of break this down. 

Freddie- alrighty so he just fucks people & gets annoyed w Cook. Nothing new. Also he texts Effy to not come back. Then he regrets it and continues to fuck bitches and not get money. 

Cook- he misses Effy. I actually enjoy his dynamic with Naomi, but other than that he's a tit in the novel. Constantly puts poor JJ in shit situations. 

JJ- poor JJ. He's just treated like a joke in the novel & is put between Freddie & Cook as usual. 

Emily- she's dealing with her family. She & Katie fight & she's growing a backbone. woohoo go Ems! She's all loved up on Naomi, she realizes the Katie is actually extremely insecure. took ya long enough sweetheart. 

Naomi- she's struggling with wanting to go to uni and maybe even Yale which if you didn't know is very prestigious & an amazing school, but also stay with Emily. She's also still seems a bit uncomfortable with her own sexuality. 

Katie- Katie actually shows a lot of character growth. Yay I'm proud of you Katie. She goes on a family trip and fucks multiple people & then heads off to France & is a bit of a bitch but after a fight w Ems finally admits to herself that she actually is very very insecure & so she runs off to Venice w Effy of all people. wot.. anyway she sees Effy all broken & I think it actually helps her out & Katie kinda grows from seeing her a mess & from getting called out by a white girl wasted Eff. So she heads back & makes up w Emily. She also says that for the first time in a long time she's happy to be herself.

Effy- So a big portion of the book does revolve around Effy. Which isn't anything new. The Stonems are a massive part of Skins. Anthea is a huge part of Effy's story in the book. So Effy is feeling rather shit about what happened back home as is her mom so they run off to Venice. Effy meets an older man named Aldo & actually starts to fall for him. She even masturbates to the thought of him & has a LOT of sexual thoughts about him. He tells her about a girl he loved back in the day & how she was a lot like Effy but ended up offing herself. Which hit Effy hard. Effy also meets an old senile lady named Florence who later passes away the day Effy finds out the her mom had sex w Aldo. You get an inner monologue which is new in terms of the quiet Effy. You also see her have a mental break down which kind of hints at what happens in series 4. Effy also falls apart in front of Katie after receiving a text from Freddie saying to just stay away. Katie reads it & they form a bit of an understanding.  

Panda/Thomas- I decided to put them together since their stories pretty much have to do with each other more or less. So Pandora really wants to have sex with Thomas, but Thomas doesn't seem to be ready since he has more respect for her & doesn't want it to just be a fuck, understandable. Thomas is invited for dinner at the Moon's house. All goes well until Panda wants Thomas to stay over and tells her mom that they're in love. Thomas then leaves and it's just the Moons. So Pandora tells her mom she's had sex and that she wants to be treated like a woman and Pandora's mom more or less kicks her out then Panda goes to live at her aunts house (the one that grows pot) and shows through her conversations that Pandora really isn't as grown as she thought she was. Thomas also buys her donuts that she had the first time they met when she vomitted and had to be carried to Effy's. Panda later tells Thomas that she did it for them.

So the novel pretty much ends with all of the group, except for Effy, in Cook's "uncle's" pub all having a relatively good time. yay. happy days & Effy & Anthea going to Rome just the two of them but it is implied that Effy's mom will still being seeing Aldo.

Effy Stonem Mental Illness (BPD)

So lately I've been seeing a lot of posts about Effy Stonem's mental illness & how it just came out of nowhere & how it makes no sense ect. So I'm no psych major & I will never claim to be, but I do know a bit more than the average person when it comes to mental illnesses. So for all of those people who say it just "came out of nowhere" here is my little analysis of Ms. Elizabeth Stonem.

Again I am no psychiatrist but if I had to diagnose Effy, I would diagnose her with Major Depressive Disorder recurrent severe w psychotic features and BPD (borderline personality disorder). So I guess Freddy's assumption of "psychotic depression" was pretty close. I personally think that BPD is a bit more accurate though. Effy's mutism in the beginning is already showing she may not be the most emotionally/mentally stable girl bc in all honesty that isn't really "normal". Also childhood trauma & a rocky home life are thought to contribute to BPD. We all know that the Stonem's weren't the best parents in the world. BPD is also hereditary as are many mental illnesses. The Stonem family is chalk full of mental illnesses. Also Effy's inability to get close to anyone & let her guard down is a major trait of BPD. 

To be diagnosed w bpd 5 of the 8 following criteria have to be present:

1. Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes toward others (from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency in isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others. 

2. Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-destructive, e.g., chemical abuse, sexual promiscuity, gambling, shoplifting, excessive spending, overeating, anorexia, or bulimia.

3. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (mood swings)

4. Inappropriate, intense anger, or lack of control of anger, e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights.

5. Recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior, or self-mutilating behaviors. 

6. Marked and persistent identity disturbance manifested by uncertainty in at least two of the following: self-image, sexual orientation, long-term goals or career choice, type of friends desired, preferred values.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. 

8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 

Effy definitely has unstable and intense relationships i.e. Cook and Freddie. She also has this whole "I hate you, don't leave me" thing going on which is very common in bpd. She would constantly shift her attitude towards her relationship with Freddie. She qualifies for 1. She's impulsive. She does a hell of a lot of drugs, drinks like crazy, fucks people the first day she meets them, runs off w/out telling anyone. Check off number 2. She does have mood swings. They aren't as obvious as some of the other symptoms but she has them. Check off 3. Not so much 4. That's more Cook. She tried to kill herself twice so I'd say she qualifies for 5. It could be argued that Effy knows exactly who she is, but also argued that she's very confused. She never really seems to have strong opinions, just goes with the flow. Everyone loves her bc she's a chameleon & is just what people project onto her. She isn't as set in her ways as Cook or Freddie or even Noami & she does seem to be confused on who she is. That's 6. She has said "I need to feel something" & she often seems to have an empty look in her eyes & stirs up problem when bored. Check off 7. When Freddie is disappointed in her for ruining Panda's party she chases after him saying she "didn't mean to fuck everything up" & when no one talks to her after Katie's accident she gets very anxious & calls everyone repeatedly. When Freddie leaves while she's slowly breaking down she texts & calls him repeatedly & looks hopeless when she tells him he didn't answer & she threw a party bc she couldn't stand to be alone. Also I still don't think she has gotten over it. In Skins Fire during Naomi's MRI Effy literally runs out of the room bc she can't stand the thought of Naomi leaving her due to death which is understandable, but any normal person would have stayed there for their friend. Effy literally couldn't handle it & frantically ran out. Also she completely broke the law bc she was worried if she didn't have another "Effy Special" her boss might end it. I think we can cross off 8. 

7/8 of the criteria can be seen in Effy. Borderlines are often effected by their surroundings & their environment & childhood issues. I think Effy always has had bpd or at least borderline traits. Before Pandora, Effy had no real friends. I think Tony getting hit by a bus, then leaving, her dad leaving, her mom being depressed & later leaving really harmed Effy's sanity. She definitely had trust issues & could get close to people bc she was afraid they'd leave. Cook knew that Effy loved Freddie but fucked him instead bc she couldn't handle the feelings bc Freddie was the closest she get to "feeling close" & she was scared. She knew she'd break his heart bc she couldn't love him fully bc she was scared of being left. She knew she would push him away & break his heart. 

Borderlines often need to control their surroundings. Effy used to be very good at that. Love most likely scared her bc she couldn't control it. She couldn't control if she was left or not & she couldn't deal w that. I think her disorder has always been there, circumstances just brought on a mental break down. I've spoken with psychiatrists about this before so this hasn't just been pulled out of my ass, but sometimes hallucinations are the brains way of trying to cope w what's happening. Stress & anxiety can bring on psychosis. So I don't think Effy was schizophrenic, I think she did experience psychosis though. 

Next post will most likely be about Effy's romanticization & how her character in my opinion is misunderstood & the romanticization of mental disorders in general. Stay tuned!

Youtube Fame & Fangirls

Okay so I see pictures like this on tumblr ALLLLLLLL the time which isn't a problem. I think it's totally fine to have Youtubers that you love watching & being a fan of them. That's awesome. These people are entertaining & they do deserve large followings, however... I think the fangirls have gotten just a bit too intense. Sending death threats to people who don't ship your OTP is a bit far... Also forcing ships on people or saying you'll kill yourself if they don't post a new video soon is a bit much. The fandoms have gotten pretty extreme & it seems to be overwhelming to some Youtubers. They're put on a pedestal & are being called "heroes" & "idols" & even "celebrities". A few Youtubers have acknowledged this (Zoe Sugg/Zoella, Louise Watson/Sprinkle of Glitter[I really enjoyed her video, I'll link it at the end]) & I think many of them have seen how crazy some of it has gotten. Some Youtubers have been uninvited to conventions for fear of their safety & others simply don't want to go anymore. Some of the British Youtube gang recently went to a 1D concert & had to be relocated due to people screaming in their faces. Yes, you could say by putting themselves online they asked for this, but I don't think any of them really thought it would take off the way that it has. I personally just think as viewers & fans we need to tone it down a bit & remember that they're just normal people like you & me.

Zoella's Post
Louise's (Sprinkle of Glitter) Video

Getting Youtube FAMOUS!!!

So I've been on Youtube, whether it be just watching videos or creating them, for a few years now & I've noticed that there is this new celebrity, the Youtube celebrity. Being "internet famous" is nothing new. Site Models back in the MySpace days were what you could call "internet famous" i.e. Taylor Parks, Alex Evans, Dacey Loxx, ect. So this whole "internet famous" thing is nothing new. It's just gotten bigger with conventions & meet & greets like Vidcon & Playlist Live. These conventions have sparked some controversy on "Youtuber Confession" pages & other places around the world wide web. People seem to have a problem with Youtubers getting paid & being given the chance to meet their fans. What these people don't realize is that these people do pay to go to the conventions there is a demand to meet popular Youtubers. I personally don't have a problem with Youtubers getting paid to make videos. If their full time job is Youtube it gives them the opportunity to meet more people & make more & better videos. It also gives them the opportunity to get better equipment & the money to spend on nick knacks for skits. Majority of Youtubers do work hard to create good content, & although some people see Youtubers making tag videos & challenge collabs as lazy & just a way to make money, it is actually nice for viewers because we get introduced to more channels & more Youtubers.

Some people are saying that Youtube is just a lazy, easy way to get rich & famous. In all honesty being a Youtuber isn't as easy as some may think & it often times takes years to get popular. Youtubers like Zoella, Smosh, Shane Dawson, Marcus Butler, & Alfie Deyes have been making videos for years. It's rare that Youtubers get popular extremely fast. Most of these Youtubers have done this for years & have over 100 videos so it is understandable that some content has gotten stale. There are millions on people on Youtube & millions of Youtube videos, but obviously not every Youtuber is "famous" & not every video goes viral. Being popular & getting millions of views & subscribers is actually a lot more difficult than most people think it is.

So while it is perfectly fine to have a different opinion than I do, just know that filming & editing does take hours & it takes practice to make a decent video. So you may be thinking that it is easy to get popular on when in reality very few people actually do.

HIGH SCHOOL PARTIES! HOW TO GET INVITED & HOW TO ACT WHEN YOU GET THERE!

This is for all of you party virgins! Being that I just finished my junior year of high school, I've been to my fair share of parties, whether it be a shitty party I went to with a total of 6 people including myself or a party that had at least 200 people there. This post will be a little advice on how to get invited, how to act, & my opinion on the whole thing I guess you could say. 

How to get invited!
Well in order to actually go to parties you kind of need to be invited or at least given the address. The easiest way is to utilize social media. Just be casual about it. DM someone on twitter who you know who you know parties. You don't have to be close with them. You could just know them from a sports team or a class. Just shoot them a message "ayyy do you have the addy for tonight?" It's really simple as that. Don't over think it. You can also slowly start to hang out with people who tend to go to parties for a higher chance at being "invited". If you here them talking about it don't be afraid to speak up & ask them to text you the address or even ask if they wanna carpool. Offer to be the DD. This brings me to my next topic...  


How to Act


Okay so you got invited to the party. Now you need to know how to act. For your first few parties maybe take it slow. Be the DD or just don't get shitfaced. If you make a scene or if you're just a shitty drunk, you probably won't be invited very often. Try to show up with a group of friends or at least one friend. Walk in & be friendly. DON'T be awkward. Depending on your personality that might be tough, but try to be as outgoing as possible. Talk to people you know, talk to people you don't. Chances are that a lot of people there will be drunk or high therefore they'll probably be more outgoing themselves which will work in your favor. In my personal experience the people that were out smoking were usually the most friendly. You don't have to smoke, but if you have no one to talk to, they will most likely welcome you. You DON'T have to drink! I cannot say this enough! Don't feel pressured to drink & if anyone is giving you crap for it just say "I have to be home after this & my parents aren't cool with me drinking" simple as that. Don't feel pressured to do anything. Just have fun. Don't take it too seriously.



My Opinion!

Okay so I've been to my fair share of parties & I have to say that some of my best nights with my friends have been at parties. I went to my first real party my freshman year & went to my first college party my sophomore year which was really intimidating at first. Honestly if you can control yourself & you're safe about it, parties aren't the great evil that parents & media have made them out to be. Parties are a great place to meet new people from your schools or other schools. They're fun social events where you can just chill & let go for a bit & just enjoy yourself. I personally find that going with my best friends, usually the Fantastic Four, which is what we like to call ourselves, are the people I have the most fun with. Find party buddies. People who you can go with who are fun. If you decide to drink you & your party buddies can see who will be the DD for certain nights & you can switch off. I think as long as you're being safe & not acting like a complete douche then it's fine. Depending on how strict your parents are, try not to lie to them bc it will bite you in the ass. If you have to keep the lies short & simple & maybe even write them down so you don't forget. Alrighty! So that about wraps it up! Bye & be safe! See you next time guys! 

Beauty Blender & Ulta Dupe Review!

So I'm sure most of you have heard of the beauty blender. It's a makeup brush that supposedly gives you an airbrushed finish. The damn thing costs $20! Ouch to my wallet being as I'm an unemployed teenager! So instead of splurging I decided to go with the $5 Ulta dupe. When I first used it I thought it was pretty good since I had never tried the actual Beauty Blender. I preferred it to the liquid foundation brush that I had been using at the time. Turns out my mom had a real Beauty Blender that had been given to her by my aunt that had never been used. My mom doesn't really have a whole lot of time to do her make-up so guess who got the Beauty Blender!!! If you guessed me you'd be right. So I tried it out and I loved it! Would I spend $20 on it... I still don't know, but i do love the application and the smooth finish. It is a lot squishier than the ulta dupe therefore it feels a lot nicer on the skin. Definitely prefer the actual bb to the dupe but for $5 the dupe isn't bad and you would not regret going out and buying it thats for sure! I'm happy with my bb but in a few months once it's taken its last breaths, I think i'll go back to the dupe since it did a not too shabby job. If you can afford it definitely buy the actual Beauty Blender if not visit your local ulta and pick up the dupe. I've heard Wal-Mart sells a pretty good dupe for around $5 too! I personally haven't tried it but it's only $5! I might have to check it out! You should too! Okay hope this was helpful! Byeeeeee :) 
YOU CAN GET THE BEAUTY BLENDER HERE! 
YOU CAN GET THE ULTA DUPE HERE!